What To Do When You’re Fighting All The Time In Your Relationship??

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Welcome back to success with Srini. Happy Tuesday morning to you on the podcast today again, I’m answering your question, an interesting one, given the gravity of the situation, this question has come in very lightly, I should have been approaching this very in a different way altogether law of intensity. So this question is about relationships. And this is coming from a listener of this podcast, who recently found this podcast, and wrote a long, big email. In fact, this question came in this email came in literally, yesterday, late last night. And I kind of took it to the top of the pile because I have so many questions to answer on the podcast, I took it to the top because I want to get to it very, very quickly. Given that I sense some deep sense of urgency in this. But the individual asking this question is not syncing the urgency. The question is about relationships, it has to do with a marriage that is going really, really bad Sunni, we are constantly arguing, fighting. And it seems we are heading towards a divorce. I wanted to touch base with you. And I wanted to pick your brain on what you think we should do.

Okay, so if a relationship is heading towards a divorce, then I would do a lot of things. Okay, I would do a lot of things, I wouldn’t email and get an answer on a podcast, I would. But I would do this at the very early stage. But not once, you aren’t already nine years into this relationship. So the describing the marriage and all those things, the emails of so nine years of marriage, in this specific case, to children involved, I would be really working towards doing something different here. In this case, I would be going crazy to bring in the best of the best of the people to solve this marriage and keep this marriage intact. I wouldn’t be reaching out to somebody who does a podcast like this and asks a question like this and gets an answer eventually, after a month doesn’t make any sense. Hopefully, we’ll take this seriously. So let’s get into this quickly. So first of all, this has not happened overnight. So you’re arguing right now, we are constantly fighting. And like, every hour you’re fighting, that’s what this email says. So if you’re fighting every hour, then this is not something that happened yesterday, and all this is not new. In my experience, my understanding, this should be happening from day one. And it is for you to respond to this. But the symptoms of this may not be obvious from day one, but the symptoms were there from the beginning. And so, this is something that you are so used to this is something that has conditioned you and your partner also. So this is not something that has to be solved right away. This is not something that you have seen new overnight, so you are frazzled by this or you’re like literally frightened by this, none of that.

So I think so because you’re just emailing me, I’m just making this assumption that is not that serious. But with that said, you are saying arguments and you are saying fighting. So I want to highlight these two things. Because in two different paragraphs, you said fighting and arguments, you see fighting over things, is not good. If you’re constantly fighting, it’s not good. That means a fight indicates that there is a complete opposite understanding of values. A recurring fight indicates there is an opposite understanding of values of what you value, your partner is not valuing that. So fighting over things is an issue that needs to be resolved. And I’ll share with you in just a second what I would do if I were in your situation, arguments are okay. Arguing is okay. You can argue you can have this, you know, disagreements, that’s perfectly fine. Well, arguments are necessary because they grow each other like with arguments you grew up with, you have exposure to what’s happening in other person’s life. And when you argue that means there are things that are coming from beneath the surface, they’re coming to the forefront. So which is good. So arguments are good. Arguments are mostly about the object, not the subject. The subject is fight subject is you as an individual, I’m the subject. So somebody’s fighting with me, then, you know, there are values, there are values that are in conflict. But if you’re, if I’m arguing with some individual on a specific object, which is maybe, for example, you will not like this podcast or you’d like this podcast and you can see when you go to modify this and back for the podcast, so you are now arguing about the podcast, which is okay. But if you come back and say you’re not good, or I’ll say you’re not good, then it just becomes we lose the point of the object, which is the podcast. And as subjects you and I are fighting, that means our values are in conflict. So arguments are okay. But fighting is not. Yes, at some point, you need to make a decision and say, Yes, I’m done with this, I need to move on.

Now, I do not know what that decision point is going to be. There is no nothing written somewhere that says that after 100 fights, you need to get a divorce, or you walk away from the relationship. I don’t think there is any set principle anywhere. But arguments and fights are natural in any relationship. It doesn’t matter whether you are in a marriage, or you are in a dating relationship, or you’re in a romantic relationship, or you’re in a business relationship doesn’t matter fights or, you know, there’s always an element of fighting involved, because there are some values that will be that will not be in sync, there’ll be some value that is out of sync, and it’s natural. So there is some form of disagreement, there is some form of argument, and there is some form of fighting, but nothing should be dominating. Now, let’s talk about this for a second, just because the question is in the context of a marriage. So I want to, I think I did multiple podcasts here on multiple episodes talking about it, relationships are becoming more and more symmetrical as we are growing Gen X, Gen, Y, Gen Z, you know, over all these years, you know, every going forward, marriage has a whole different definition altogether. Now, because relationships are symmetrical, they are starting to become non-functional. Historically, marriages are complementary, what my dad did, my mom could not do what my mom did, and my wife and my dad could not do. So they were playing different roles of complementing each other. So it was very efficient, the chances of disruption, there was a distribution of labor, and the chance of disruption was very minimal, one has to fall sick, the other has to stay home, and all these things. But mostly, the distribution of labor was very clear. In a symmetric relationship, the distribution of labor is not clear. Because of that, it becomes dysfunctional, or I would say, not functional. And even though it seems that the relationship is cruising, there is always this chance of an escalation. And the escalation starts when one of the partners says I can do it better than you. In a symmetrical relationship, both can do anything, and everything. When one says I can do it better than you, that’s when the disagreements happen, the argument starts, and an argument can escalate into a fight. And now you are fighting. And now you’ve forgotten why you’re fighting and you’re fighting each other, and the object is removed, and two subjects are fighting. So that is why a company with two CEOs doesn’t work. Clearly. So how do you resolve this, the fundamental rule behind this, there are many things you could do. But there is one big rule, which is, in a relationship like this and a situation like this, you got to have an overall agreement in place. There are companies that have multiple CEOs, more than one CEO, two CEOs, and three CEOs, I’ve seen that happen. But there are some agreements in place, we call them meta agreements. People on the top agree to a specific, there are 10 or 15 things that people on the top have to agree once they agree to those things, people below will not get conflicting directives. So meta agreements and eta meta agreement on the very top has to be in place. There are so many techniques.

For example, Don’t get into a fight, walk away from a fight, and come back to the fight later, when you feel when you’re feeling good. When there is an escalation in the relationship, and you’re getting into a fight and an argument has taken place. There are so many techniques, people suggest so many techniques. I have also suggested some techniques here. But here’s the truth. The truth is, you got to go and ask a question yourself, why are you or why did you get into this relationship in the first place?

And that’s the question you got to ask while in the middle of that argument or in the middle of that fight. As the fight is happening, you got to ask yourself, why did I get into this relationship in the first place? If the answer to that question is consistent intent to your thought process when you got into the relationship, that means everything in between has done no harm. This part is very critical, very important, but most people don’t follow this. It’s very difficult to pull yourself out of a conflict and ask that question. So next time there is a fight, there’s an argument that is going very deep. Internally, pause yourself and ask this question, why did I get into this relationship in the first place? What were some of the Attract doors? Not what were the attractions of this of you getting into this relationship? Once you go back to the beginning, the present seems small if the beginning is right. So this is a question I keep telling all my clients to keep asking as they go through any challenges they’re going through.

Now, as I said, every relationship will become stale, will become challenging. And at one point, I said, if if you’re not getting divorced once a day, and you’re not getting married once a day, then it’s not a relationship. What I mean by that, or what I meant by that was, it’s important that you need to have arguments in place, I’ve seen lopsided relationships, where one individual does everything they want to do the other has no voice, no questioning, no identity, no standing none. Those are flawed relationships, relationships, whose main intent is to challenge you. And the challenge is not happening. That means you’re not growing, you’ll never grow. Period, simple. See, you go to work, you come back home, and your spouse doesn’t ask you for updates on what happened at work. Or you don’t, on your own don’t provide an update. Then there is an issue. See, I go home, and I provide an update on what’s happening with my business, not necessarily the nitty gritty of the business, but overall. And my wife tells me, I have had a great day at the office, I do not have a good, I did not have a great day at work. I say did not have a great day at work, I had a great day at work. So it’s important to have those two lines, though. Nothing specific, nothing in detail, because nobody has time for that. But it’s very important. So that’s what we say, clarifying relationships. You got to be constantly clarifying the relationship. Okay, I’m going to stop here. And my suggestion to you, the person who emailed me is that you go see a therapist, in getting somebody in volunteers very, very quickly. Nine years is a long time, get over with this, get somebody involved. Let them guide you both to the outcome that you’re seeking.

That’s all for now. Hopefully, this podcast is helpful. Hopefully, my answer is helpful. I could have done a bit of better research on this but this was so casually written email for such an important thing. I don’t know why. Okay, you take care of yourself. I’ll be with you as early as tomorrow. Stay tuned, bye now.

The 7 Road Blocks To Success?

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Happy Monday morning to you, welcome back to Success with Srini. Today on the podcast, I am speaking my mind in this has nothing to do with any question from anyone, even though I have several of those questions that I still need to record and answer. But this is something that I wanted to talk about for a very, very long time. And I’ve been getting questions around, you know, what is the ultimate secret? Is there any secret to making a lot of money secret to overcoming difficulties at work or at home and all kinds of like, everybody wants to know that one? The absolute secret to that one thing that’s going to make them or get them out of the trouble they are in? And it’s very natural to ask that question because we all always are looking for that one thing. And even though we know it’s not there, the society, the markets, the media, and everything, they sell you on the idea that everybody else has the secret, you don’t have the secret, you don’t have the secret. So the secret to anything is that there is no secret. Absolutely no secret. I have to say that because I’m getting so many of these questions.

Now. I do not know what makes people successful. And every podcast episode here is a guest. I guess, okay, you’re having this problem, do this or do that. And I’m guessing because my guest has some data to it because I work with people. So I’ve seen certain things. I’ve gotten myself through some of the challenges. So I’ve seen I have some data, from my own experiences, and working with people, so some data from them. But then it’s all a guess because nobody knows what’s going to work for you. So I really do not know, what are the secrets to success. And every time you asked me for a secret, I’m going to share a secret every day for the rest of my life, and still may not really get to the answer. Okay. But we know something about success, which is, we for sure know the roadblocks to success. So if your question to find the secret to success is not answered by me or anybody else. Because it’s difficult to answer. But the answer to the roadblocks to success is already there. So I want to share this with you. Again, this is not mine. This is something that I learned. There are seven roadblocks to success. Here’s the funny thing. Each one of us will want to fall into one of these seven. There is no human who can escape all the seven scarier when I say that. So as I want to mention the seven, you want to find yourself in more than one. One is okay. One is given one means that you are human and you are in the group. And if you are more than one, it’s also okay. That means you are more human. Okay, if you fall into all seven, then nobody can help you. Okay, so make sure you’re not in all seven. But as long as you are in one or two, you’re okay. So let’s get into this. What are the roadblocks to success?

The first and foremost is a limitation. limitation. Guess what? Each one of us, no matter who we are, we all are limited by something, something is limiting me something is limiting you. No exception. It may not be the same. But we have our own demons. So your job is to find that limitation, whatever that is, and work through it. If you have limitations, and there’s more than one, by the way, the limitation is one word. But there are more than one limitations we have. The job is to identify them as a student of success and keep going after them. How it’s a whole different discussion. I’m not getting into that here on this podcast. But your job is to address each of those limitations. The more you keep addressing, the more you will live. The longer you live, the more new limitations will show up. So one of the jobs we have is to keep on working on limitations. If you don’t work on them. They will force you to become a roadblock to success. That’s the point. Then comes an inferiority complex. This is an inside thing. Your job is not to feel inferior to anybody else. But if you feel that you’re inferior to somebody else, then you need therapy. Go fix it quickly. If you’re not able to fix it quickly read therapy I’m telling you. Okay, inferiority is a state of mind which is proven to create roadblocks for success.

Then comes greed. dangerous. Dangerous, then comes fear, absolute, you know roadblock to success. Truth is that everything that you ever wanted and want is always on the other side of fear. You got to work through your fears, then comes hypersensitivity hypersensitive people, people will get angry people to get frustrated right away. Success is not for them, I’m telling you, they have no control over themselves, they have no control over anything around them. If you can’t control yourself at the bare minimum, then success is you may become successful, but it’s questionable. It may be short-lived, but you got to be careful. And then come to the segment authority. And this is like, Oh, you’re my Dad, you’re my mom, why should I listen to you? I know more than you. Your time was different, my time is different. You’re the boss, you don’t have ideas, I can manage better than you. The next one is resentment toward authority. I don’t want to listen to you that I don’t want to listen to your mom. You know, nothing, I know all your times were different. My times are different. You boss, you don’t know much. My boss has the power, I have the mind. I don’t want to listen to the law, I don’t want to listen to the authorities, I don’t want to listen to anything that is bigger than me in terms of power and authority, I will not listen. See there is a reason why a structure exists, there is a reason why there are responsibilities that are given to people in certain positions. And as much as you want to discount them. They are there because most of them, have gone through life and have or are gifted with some skills and qualities to be in those positions. And as a student of success, your job is to learn from them or model them or mimic them at some level. So the process to be successfully convenient becomes easier, simple, as simple as that. So every time there is a segment authority, then it’s also a roadblock to success, politics, disagreements, conflicts, all those things arise from that. And lastly, this is a big one, in the ability. That working with people. This is some level of denial, you can say, or lack of skill, lack of understanding of people. I have done numerous podcast episodes here talking about why success is always with through and for people. If you don’t know how to work with people, then you can’t succeed as a single entity. It’s very hard, very difficult.

Everything we do in our existence, or entire being is for others. And through others, we came here and for others, we will live. And we also will create this world, this universe for others to somebody else is going to take the position that you’re in right now. It’s amazing how this whole process works. The more I think about it, the more every day I wake up in the morning thinking about this beauty called life. It’s amazing. These are the roadblocks to success. And unfortunately, all of us will fall into one at least one in this but more than one. So as I said earlier, as I started this podcast, we don’t know the secret to success. Nobody knows. Nobody knows what’s going to work for us individually, what works. We know in general, what works and what specifically did not know what works for us in our situation. But we know what’s not going to work for sure. And these seven things, if they exist, are going to become a setback for you. So we’ll work on them.

Hopefully, this is helpful. If it is let me know. And that’s all for now. I wish you a wonderful start to your Monday for this week, and I’ll catch up with you as early as tomorrow morning. Take care bye now.

Lacking Enthusiasm? Here Is Why…

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Over the last few months ever since this podcast has become a daily podcast, I have come here and talked about multiple things in multiple areas of life. And one area that I really highlighted a lot over the months is how to have a morning routine, why routines are important, how to set goals, how to block time, how to get things done within those time blocks, and different principles, and different structures. I kept on driving the point that predictability is the key to success.

Now, just a few days ago, I don’t remember the exact date. But I did a podcast episode where I talked about how we are compulsively engaged with the day-to-day happenings, and predictability is good. But then if you become compulsive, about what you want, how you want, and when you want those things to happen, it could create hindrance, the most important thing, when you set a schedule when you follow a structure is to be flexible. Things always do not happen. As you want them to happen as we want them to happen, things have a life of their own. And there are controls that are invisible to us, we think we are in control. But there are so many invisible forces. I also did some podcast episodes, highlighting these things also in the past. But today, what I want to share with you is if your day-to-day existence is becoming boring, you follow a schedule, you do things, but then somehow somewhere, there is no freshness, there is no excitement, there is no newness, and but you still want some newness, some, all of that some excitement, all that to happen. Yet you want to follow a schedule, which I think is possible, you can have both sides of the equation, and I want to share some thoughts with you. There is a principle in self-improvement called Creative Spirit. And I see, I listen, I follow I study a lot of experts, but very few talk about this concept, the society, the traditions, and also due to some of our own self-imposed limitations. We have created different barriers that surround us when it comes to developing ourselves and specifically developing creativity.

Now, creativity is a learnable skill. I talked about this yesterday also, you know, there’s all these things, all the principles of self-improvement, they’re all you know, of course, there is a gift to you know, some element of gift is there into everything in life. But then nature has blessed people differently. But most of the stuff can be learned if you surrender yourself and say I want to be a good student. So let’s talk about why people are not creative, why people fall into this psychosis where they want to do things in a certain way in a certain set pattern and expect set results. And every time there is any deviation. They get worried they get annoyed, angry, and all that the reason why people want to do things in a set way is that the core underlying fear is, what if I make a mistake? Ask yourself, have you ever stopped yourself from doing something different? Even though you knew you could do it, you did not attempt. And if you ask that question, why would you not attempt the truth if you don’t want to make a mistake? Now, the older you get, this fear is even more dominant.

As a youngster, you may accommodate some mistakes, because you don’t know. Hence, you don’t know what’s gonna happen. So you take your chances, some things work out, some things don’t. But as you grow older, and as you get closer to, to, you know, those big numbers like the 40s 50s 60s, you don’t have enough room to make mistakes. So, because you don’t want to make mistakes, you want set predictability into your existence, and set predictability creates unwanted stress on the far end of the equation, which is you don’t feel excited anymore. Sometimes people say they don’t want to be seen as a fool. That’s why they don’t want to take any, any. They don’t make any changes. Sometimes they don’t want to feel like oh, they don’t want to allow anybody to criticize them. That’s why they don’t want to change anything. Sometimes, if I change something, okay, what if somebody and sub misuse my time? You know, my intent, there’s a fear of that.

So they don’t want to change anything, they want to do things in a safe manner. If I change something, what if I find myself alone happens when you change something, suddenly you are alone. Let’s say you carpool all the time, you choose not to carpool. Now you’re alone. Sometimes people don’t want to change anything, because it has become a tradition. Sometimes things provide some subtle amount of security. And losing that security is perceived as a failure or perceived as a risk. So they don’t want to change anything. Sometimes, people want to hang on to the love of the group they’re part of. So if there’s a group activity involved, they don’t want to group. And sometimes individuality is also a problem. Sometimes people don’t want to change something, because changing will put them in a lonely zone. There are so many different reasons why people don’t want to, you know, change something that they think and they know, is predictable. Now, I made this point early, as we started the podcast today, which is, in order for you to have excitement, some level of fun, and some level of a different kind of engagement, you need to change the default psychosis. So, everyday morning, exactly how to wake up at 4:30. And exactly, I have to get breakfast done by 730. And exactly at 845 need to show up at work and have to get flushed. And yes, I can all change it. Great, congratulations. But it’s boring. I wake up at 430. But sometimes I wake up at 6:30 too. There are exceptions. Why? Because if with my night gets delayed, I don’t want to compromise the depth of my sleep. So I woke up late, nothing wrong with it. Now, if I do wake up at 430, which I do, by the way, but I go back to sleep, I do wake up at 430, let’s say sleep at 130, I wake up at 430, then I know my day gets compromised. So it’s just not about the schedule. It’s not about the discipline. It’s also the energy, the productivity, and the impact. All of them go for a toss. So if you don’t become creative, and you are dealing with the tasks of the day, you don’t become creative in how you pursue your goals. This becomes a boring thing. Once life becomes boring, it’s very difficult to recover it. People choose not to do anything eventually. Because they know everything, whatever I do is boring anyway, so I let go.

So many, many years ago, I was at a seminar the very first time I was sharing this principle, you know, how do you bring creativity into your thinking, that was the point and I said four a mind to mind creates the results. But at the same time, the mind is in itself taking all the hits. So for the mind to really come out of this zone where it is feeling the stress anxiety in in boredom and all that it has to come out of it. So you have to train the mind to come out. So you have to tell the mind to think differently. Very simple. So that’s what we call mindset. So this was nearly about 12 years ago, I was doing a seminar and I was talking to a group of people, a small set of people. And I said I was demonstrating how to change the mindset. And I said, Hey, how do you go from this room to the next room? And it was just having an individual in the front?

I asked him I said, How do you How will you go? Oh, I’ll just go from here to there. I’ll take the, you know, I’ll just walk. And I said, Can you tell me how many different ways can you go from this room to the other room? There is so I can go by running. I can walk there, I can jump, I can hop, and said Wow. Okay, I could go from the back of the window of this room and enter through the back of the boondock data room. Well, I said that’s interesting. Can you think a little bit deeper about this? And tell me a few other ways you can do this. No, I don’t think there is any other way to do this. I said what if you get out of this room and go out of the door. Go to the front of the building. Take a taxi to the airport, and buy a ticket. Go to Chicago, New York, London, India, and Hong Kong. Then come back to San Jose, and then take a limo and then show up in the front of the building and then go Walk into the other room. Is it possible? Yeah, it’s possible. Then I said, now that I’ve said that, what do you think? What are some other ways you can go there? Well, I can go out and swim and then go to the ocean, then come back as wonderful as this, then I can simply slide on my stomach all the way from this room to the other room was that wonderful like it.

So the problem with us humans is we limit ourselves by thinking unimaginatively. And sometimes you have to stretch your mind beyond the usual beyond the customary, so that that new thinking will yield some new experiences, to new ideas. And this new thinking will take us to some unchartered territories that otherwise we cannot go. Now, this, the story, this principle of this concept of going from one donkey up to the other, it’s not my idea. This was one of the legends, somebody who I studied very deeply, whose ideas and principles I follow very deep in my life, and have been doing for the last 15 years now. And this concept was first put forward by this, this genius Milton Erickson. And he was a world-famous hypnotherapist, he could literally solve human problems by talking to people using conversations only in some something that I started to practice myself, and I’m nowhere any which were closer to what Milton Erickson did. But I consider him to be one of those legendary, one of those really gifted people who walked the face of the earth and changed the lives of many, many people with his work. And his work even today is something that people are not able to understand, even though people claim that they’re very good when it comes to Ericksonian. hypnosis. I also sometimes claim that but we are nowhere close to a legend domain.

So the message of today’s podcast is to bring some creativity to what you’re doing. Do the same thing. But do it with some difference. inject some freshness into what you’re doing. And freshness is only possible when you think differently. Hopefully, this episode excites you, motivates you inspires you to think differently and do differently.