Here is the complete transcript of the podcast
Today’s podcast episode is an interesting one. And this is for you if you are married. And this is also for you if you’re thinking of getting married. And likewise, this is also for you. If you were once upon a time married, and you don’t believe in marriages anymore, or maybe you are considering getting married again.
Okay, welcome back to Success with Srini. Happy Sunday morning to you. And today’s podcast episode or the idea behind today’s episode is a conversation I had with a friend of mine recently, he was asking me about something that he has seen, which is he meets couples, at parties in social setups, where he sees that there is a type of couple that is completely in sync. Both partners are completely in sync. They don’t compete with each other. They’re not fighting with each other. And then he also meets a type of couple who are constantly fighting, judging each other, not giving enough space to express each other, and things like that. So his question to me was Srini, what do you think? Why is this disparity? And what according to you is happening in their lives? What’s the secret? How could one couple figure this out? The others are not able to? So I was, I responded to his question, but I thought I should make a podcast out of it. Hence, here we are recording on a Sunday morning. Okay, at least I’m recording you’re listening. Okay. So, yes, there are two types of marriages. One is just a marriage. And the other one is a marriage that is intelligent, and also emotionally intelligent. So his question, if I have to reframe his question, what’s the difference between a marriage and an emotionally intelligent marriage? The answer is not a lot.
I’ve seen emotionally intelligent marriages eventually just become a marriage and disappear. And then I’ve seen marriages that have, over a period of time, grown into emotionally intelligent marriages. So couples come together over a period of time, they discover they rediscover themselves, through events through happenings through time, and they are emotionally connected. So I’ve seen both happen. And regardless, whichever way it goes, sometimes emotionally intelligent marriages fade away and end up in divorce. And marriages also cannot grow. And couples in marriages do not evolve, or they evolve in different directions and ended up getting divorced. So I’ve seen both of these scenarios play out. And there are many other scenarios also. So the discussion with my friend went into some other areas. But every time we talk about marriage, and every time we talk about having a great marriage, we need to also talk about divorce, because that’s a very dominant thought and a lot of in the back of the mind, because you can’t talk about marriage without a divorce. And you cannot talk about divorce without marriage. So they go hand in hand. So let’s talk about that also. So his man said, nobody knows the answer. Why some work, why some do not work. Nobody knows. There’s a lot of research on this. There is a lot of lot many experts who talk about this. Yes, you can work through and you can make things happen and all that. But sometimes, you know, some couples are amazing. So if I look into all my relatives, and everybody who has gotten married, out of 100 relatives I have there is only that one couple who are absolutely amazing, the standout. Like literally, if you ever want to have a relationship, that’s the kind of relationship you need to have. And you also know if you study 100 couples that you whom you don’t, you also know, you also have that one couple that really is on the top of that pyramid on the stack. And that’s the kind of relationship that you want to have the one they have.
Now, talking about how some people really have it perfect. In the open, and some do not specific to my friend’s questions. Here’s the answer. Just because some are in sync in the open doesn’t mean that they are in sync in private. Some are good at putting up a good image doesn’t mean that it is really working out. On the other hand, some who always seem to be out of sync in the open in the public, chances are that they are really in sync. They will not get divorced, there is no divorce in their life because they’re getting divorced and getting married every day. So there is no legal permanent divorce happening in their life. But these are people who are putting up a nice image, there is a high possibility and a higher probability that they may end up in divorce, and they will surprise everybody. So, how does this work? Okay, so when we talk about marriages, a marriage in a classical meaning is a shared meaning. In the classical definition, it’s a shared meaning. So, when two people come together and have a shared meaning, they have a marriage or a marriage, when it evolves, it evolves because there is a shared meaning when there is no shared meaning, usually, marriages end up on the other side, which is a divorce. So, in order for the shared meaning to happen, the fundamental ingredient for that is chemistry. When there is no chemistry, then there is conflict. There are many elements for how to break up, break down the conflict and break down the chemistry individually, there are so many sub-elements to those, but at the highest level is the chemistry. Strong chemistry and hence, there is no conflict. If there is good chemistry, no conflict, I mean, you can’t eliminate conflict at all, there will be some but mostly, it’s insignificant.
Now, let’s talk about chemistry for a second, what is chemistry, chemistry is multiple different elements, and compounds all coming together. But if you ever did any, if you studied chemistry, you were in school, you did experiments, and all you know is that in order for you to have a successful experiment, there is a lot of setups, the environment has to have to be in place for certain compounds to come together and perform in a systematic manner for a specific outcome. If the environment changes, then the behavior of the compounds may also change very simply. Likewise, in physics also, there are things that are equations and, and all that but all those equations only work if there is a constant, ether is a constant. So there is a quotient in every, you know, equation in physics, and that the heat Eater is supposed to be for every equation in physics to work, there is an assumption that it is happening in ether, you get the idea. Now, if you move the experiment from its environment to a different environment, then the chances are that that equation will not work specifically when it comes to chemistry. Likewise, in certain environments, certain couples behave in a certain way, when you move them out, you know, the true cactus may come out, which we don’t get to see. Hence, we cannot conclude that one couple is better than the other or that one has gotten it right. The others are not getting it right. We cannot say that. Now let’s talk about a happy marriage. What is a happy marriage? Sometimes you may share a meaning but are still not happy. So what is a happy marriage? No matter which export I study, and no matter what I study, what I conclude, or at least what I see is that there are two fundamental ingredients for a happy marriage. One is a deep understanding. And the second is mutual respect. Interestingly, if either one of these is there, it’s proven that the marriage doesn’t break. Rarely, it happens.
One of these two, at least in my understanding. So if you have mutual respect, it’s very difficult for the marriage to break. And if there is a deeper understanding, but mutual respect is missing. Still, it’s very difficult for a marriage to break. When these two things are there. It’s always a happy marriage. Now because we are in a marriage, let’s talk about divorce for a second, what causes divorce. So many things. The number one thing, the top there’s a huge list of things that break a marriage. The one on the very top is harsh words. You can have everything in place. But just because you’re using harsh words, marriage breaks, and tamped defensiveness stonewalling emotional flooding. I hear that all the time. You know, I’m married to my partner is always nagging, always nagging before even I can say something sayings. You know, my partner keeps on saying something, and I can’t even get to express myself or say anything or can’t even put a stop to this. I hear that. So all of these create a level an environment where divorce is a possibility. But here is the big pot.
The big Pot Bot is it’s not the arguments that caused the divorce but the way you argue See, I say that’s a deep one. John Gottman is one of my absolute go-to, you know, resources when it comes to relationships, and understanding relationships. Of course, there are so many other experts within the space. This is a big topic. It’s a never-ending discussion. But at least you get the idea where it went when he was asking me and hopefully, this is helpful. If it is let me know. You go enjoy your Sunday. And before you know it, I’ll be here with you as early as tomorrow. Stay tuned.