Here is the complete transcript of the podcast
Welcome, or welcome back to Success with Srini. Happy Tuesday morning to you on the podcast today, I’m answering a question that has come into my Facebook page as a message. This question came in nearly about a month ago. And while I was trying to catch up with everything that was going on, I didn’t find the time to answer. But today, I have the time. So this is from a mother, who is dealing with a teenage son who is not lately not being disciplined, and not focused on his studies. The question is like this, “Hi, Srini, I was looking for some insight to get my teenage son focused and disciplined. He used to be a smart kid. And lately, I feel like he is just lazy and would rather lie about everything, including studies.”
So before I go and answer the question, first of all, let me say this, if you are a teenager, a parent to a teenager then today’s podcast episode is for sure for you. If you have children, who are very, very little young, and they haven’t yet gotten to the teenage years yet, then this podcast episode is for you. Because this is a timeline thing. So sooner or later, you are going to become a parent to a teenager. Now, if you have children who are not in this age range at all, so they’re not between one or one month and or one day and 19 years, they are in the College of the graduated college. And if you’re thinking that this is all done for you, please don’t be in that illusion. Because there might be a situation where you have to train your children so that they can train and coach and guide and raise their children. So you have some great-grandparent responsibilities here. So that’s why you should stay and listen to the podcast.
Okay, so let’s get into the answer. Listen, teenage years are hard. And I am raising two kids myself, they’re 13 and 18. And I’m experiencing it firsthand right now. And the truth is, I’ve forgotten personally, I’ve forgotten how I was when I was 13, or 18. I’ll tell you one year 19. I believe that one year age in it, and I completely don’t even remember anything that I have done or things that happened to me. And that was a good kid. So what’s the answer to this question, it’s very simple, the brain is still developing. And the brain is developing at a level that it doesn’t understand what’s happening with it. There are so many other medical definitions for this, but then, to keep it very simple, the brain is still developing. So as a parent, it’s important for us to recognize that the brain is developing. And a developing brain is pretty complex. So it’s doing things that are out of line, that isn’t the same that used to be so your kid is, was something like two days ago or yesterday, and today, your kid is different tomorrow is going to be different, every day is gonna be different. And one of the things that teenagers do and display is they’re listening less and less to their parents, and more and more to their peers, the peers have more influence on them. Now, as a parent, what you’re doing, you’re getting secretly worried about your kid. And clearly, you might be thinking the kid is aborting studies lying. At this point, what the parents do becomes authoritative. And they start to apply force. And they want to change the direction of where how things should happen, and should happen in a specific way. And they start to feel they’re losing control. Now, I get this question, this question, and these questions, similar questions. And my answer to all this is, that the very simple answer is you’re going to lose them by the time they hit 13. And then you get them back, maybe around 23.
So for about 10 years, you’re going to completely lose them. Now, during this time, the kid continues to listen, they may not be attentive, they may not be giving you a response back, that they are listening or they’re following you but they are observing all the moves that you’re making. They’re there, they’re not lost, but they are not going to give you any feedback yet because they are under the influence of a brain that is developing. So the suggestion here is don’t be authoritative. And we have seen there is enough data now to show that if you do come as an authoritative parent. And authoritative has two different meanings authoritative in a way where you are giving feelings and you are giving structure you are giving, you’re spending time and all, then the kids end up having more. They show more persistence with events in their life. If you become authoritative in a different way, where you’re using force, and you’re using anger, and rage as a method to control the outcome, then the kids become submissive, or the matrix revolt also, but submissive in most cases. And the net effect of that is they’re going to be less persistent through events, whatever events they face in their life. So the choice is yours. Now. What do you have to do I get this question? Well, the answer, what you should do is, I’m not asking you not to have conflict. I’m not asking you not to give direction. I’m not asking you not to intervene. Yes, you have to. But make sure that when you do have conflict, it’s moderate. It’s minimal. If you’re having a lot many conflicts, then I suggest that you go talk to an interventionist who specializes in family therapy and all that. Too many conflicts, not good, no conflict, not good. But what you need is moderate conflict. So the key to success here is that you listen more as a parent and speak, not be judgmental, not be dismissive. And trust the competence of your kid that they displayed when they were in their early years. So don’t judge them by what’s happening now. But judge them by what they did in the past. So use that frame, in your mind, use that image in their mind, so that you do not start dismissing what they’re doing.
But again, I said that earlier, I don’t want you to become worried secretly, and not display that worry to your child, when you secretly get worried, then it’s just a matter of time before you went out. And when you went, then now you’re really affecting the dynamic. Every kid has a moment of passivity. And kids in general, at that age, have multiple moments of passivity throughout the day. And your job as a parent is to keep looking for that moment of passivity and speak to them. So that whatever you say, registers with them, and stays with them. They acknowledge what you’re saying they agree with what you’re saying. And they commit to what you’re saying. Your job is to find natural, find good teachers, then good teachers, really good teachers, they don’t teach anything good. But then they can penetrate the mind.
So that’s why you need to have good teachers around. So always keep looking for good teachers. At the same time, always look for passive moments of passivity in your child where they are suggestive that listening, they’re open. And you know, as a parent, you’ll know exactly when your kid is taking in listening and giving feedback and suggestion. Okay, so those are my thoughts. But again, I know you’ll have more questions. If you do, then, by all means, text me back. 888-818-0404. This is not a problem, specifically to this question. Every individual goes through this, I wouldn’t get worried about this. If you can afford, specifically if you can afford. And you have an opportunity where you can change the environment of your child, for example, you can change the school, you can change the neighborhood, you can change the classes, you can change the teachers, you can change who he or she talks to, then by all means, as a parent, you should do it. That which gives you a sense of security. Regarding your child, you should do it. But that’s expensive. It’s time taking. And sometimes parents choose not to make the change, which I can completely understand and respect. But it depends on how far you want to take this. But just you know, this is a common behavior. It’s a common pattern. Your child is not unique, and everything. Every parent at some point will lose that child and for sure will get back their child after those seven, eight, nine, or 10 years.
Okay, that’s all for now on this podcast and just said if you have a question text me at 888-818-0404 And stay tuned and I will talk to you as early as tomorrow thank you bye now