How to Succeed at Being a Failure?

Tired of all those How-To Guides to Get Rich Quick and Be a Success in Life- here are a few steps for those who rather not??¦
1. Don??™t let your boss or families dictate your schedule. Let them rearrange their needs around your time. Allow yourself the luxury of staying awake as long as you please. Sleep in until at least the afternoon to insure you are well rested.

2. Never finish anything you have started. If winners never quit, then losers never complete. Everyone expects you will fail anyway. Prove them right-so you can be in the wrong- where you belong. Put off until ???whenever you feel like it??™ what needed to be done yesterday.

3. Better yet- why even start? Tell your boss and family you plan to, but then just give up. That??™s why you should never make plans. No sense in putting yourself to all that trouble. Leave your work unfinished for the over achievers. Let them come in and clean up behind you.

4. Assume everyone is out to get you. All your problems stem from others trying to sabotage you. Always arrive late to work and for any appointment. Leave your job early and do not volunteer to stay after hours with the suckers.

5. Make promises you never intend to keep. Alienate all your friends and family from ever asking you a favor. They think you are never going to amount to anything, so why bother?

6. Forget about saving for a rainy day. Spend as much money as you want. Why strive to get ahead when someone will only knock you back down? Accepting a chance for advancement is only an invitation to fail. Let the bozos climb up the ladder.

7. Get married with the belief that you will end up divorced.?  Marry badly by choosing the worst possible partner. Let your children talk back to you and do whatever they wish.

8. Waste as much time as humanly possible. Higher education won??™t get you anywhere. While in school- do the bare minimum. Drop out of school as soon as you can. Any attempt on your part to better yourself will lead to future expectations- so stay the way you are.

9. Blame all the bad luck that follows you on your childhood, parents, spouse, children- not yourself. Keep that chip on your shoulder- shiny and polished. Stick with the knowledge that everyone else is wrong and you are right.

10. Borrow money with no intention to pay it back.
When anyone lends you anything- keep it- that??™s what the fools get for trusting you. Pay your bills only when you are being threatened with foreclosure or disconnect. Rules are meant to be broken- do not worry with silly rules.

Now, get out there and show your Mother proof she was right. Be the best failure you can be! Wait a minute- that would make you good at something. Oh well, you probably failed to read all the rules.