Here is the complete transcript of the podcast
Welcome back happy Tuesday morning to you. This morning, I woke up to a long email from an old listener of my radio shows. And this long email, if I have to sum it up in one line, it goes like this. I’m trying to get some help for my spouse, I have been telling my spouse to talk to you. And for some reason, it has not happened. And would it be okay for you to talk to my spouse? Because my spouse needs help? And I know you can help. Okay, so that’s the email. And my response to that email is No, I am willing to help, I’m open to help, I’m here to help. But I will not talk to your spouse, without them agreeing to talk to me, I will not make that call, they have to make that call. Okay. So that’s the response to that email. But let me expand on this a bit and give you the context. Every time I get an email like that. I know there are maybe several other people who can be 5060 every one email that I get or every one phone call I get on this topic, I have maybe 50-60 listeners who probably are going through this and they are not making the call. So if you are going through this challenge, you know that your partner needs help, but somehow does not agree to help. Then what can you do, or do you know somebody who’s going through this on my agenda, my goal for today’s podcast is to kind of share some thoughts and help you kind of get you closer to the outcome, okay.
Now, in any relationship, there are two people, two people, and when two people come together, there are some boundaries. And there are some rules. And there are some expectations. As long as each individual in that relationship is following the rules, keeping themselves within the boundaries and not crossing the boundaries, and fulfilling the other person’s expectations, there is harmony, there is goodwill, all that is harmony, when any of these things go wrong, then we have a conflict. And if it goes on for a long time, then we have a challenge that needs to be addressed. Every time somebody reaches out like this, that means they have already exhausted, they have exhausted all the options, and they now need external help. So by default, as our body heals itself, likewise, our mind also heals itself. There are default mechanisms to heal and one of the healing mechanisms the mind has is sleep, it sleeps, whatever number of hours the body is active, that many numbers of hours more or less. The mind sleeps, the brain sleeps.
So there are healing mechanisms also inbuilt into a relationship dynamic. In this specific situation, what’s happening is one partner is struggling. The other partner sees the struggle and wants to do something so that this partner, the other partner, who is suffering will meet this partner’s needs. It’s as simple as that. And we don’t know the problem yet. That’s a whole different discussion altogether. That involves some discovery and all that. But we can’t get into a strategy unless we discover the problem. So I’m not suggesting a strategy. So the question is, how can I get my spouse or my partner to therapy if they need help. Now, let’s say you’re going through this right now you want your partner to be in therapy, what can you do? Well, there are some things that you have to do on your side and something that you have to do for your partner. Now what all do you have to do on your side? Let’s go through that list. Number one is that you need to understand therapy is a long process.
therapy will bring up lots of other issues. In good therapy, a lot of other issues will come up you need to agree to a timeline, an extended timeline. That means there might be investment involved with it apart from time investment, money investment, obviously. And then results are not instantaneous because there are more people involved.
Now usually when two people are in a relationship that also a relationship another shadow individual is somebody, you know, who accepts your beliefs and your values into their life. That means they’re also accepting your disbeliefs and your other values, which don’t make sense to them in life too. So there aren’t many. And then obviously, when two people come together, they bring all other relationships also with them together. So it’s a complicated thing to go into therapy, all these things come up, suddenly, a relationship therapy could become a family therapy, extended family therapy, and there are specific therapists who specialize in that space, not all, but some do. Now, you should be getting ready to explore more options beyond just a single therapy, or a single consult. Because now you have other extended family members who have to be involved in this, they need to be called in. It has to be resolved at a family level, extended family level. So that’s your site, and you need to agree to all this. And then maybe you’re also responsible for your spouse’s behavior. what all are the things you do? How much have you participated in the conflict? And did you instigate the conflict? Did you start the con, maybe, unknowingly, you did? But that also will come up. So you need to understand your role in this. Now, what will you do to your spouse to your partner? Well, first of all, you need to convey love affection, and all that that has to continue to stay, even though there are attacks, you need to use a line of love, compassion, and affection, that line has to be on it has to be alive. That part you have to do.
Now the second part you have to do is that you have to show a willingness to participate, it’s not your problem, it is our problem. It’s a collective problem. And then you test the therapy process, not necessarily subscribe to the therapy process, like anything else you’re testing. So you go to one therapist and expect them to fix it. Not possible. Sometimes I’ve seen that partners disagree with the kind of therapy, to begin with, and then who the therapist is. The truth is, a therapist should be independent and should have no affiliation with either of the partners. As the first part, the second part, just because you heard me on the radio, and you’re suggesting doesn’t make any sense. Doesn’t make any sense. And because you are trying to change someone, you need to go see a therapist, which is not going to work. In order to change someone, you have to change yourself. Specifically true in core relationships. If I’m looking for a change in you, I need to change myself. So it holds true in this dynamic to was a podcast host or as a coach or as a mentor, whatever role I’m playing from my side, at least I’m thinking I am I for me to see a change in you I need to change, I need to bring in some more ideas, more thoughts, I need to develop myself. If I don’t develop myself, I don’t see that in you. Simple as that. So, change is just something to change, we have to change. So why not start with ourselves first. So, in this case, both have to change and both have to willingly participate in this. So if it is made to be a collective problem, there is participation. If it is made to be a community problem, there is participation. If it is made to be your problem, then no they will not accept it. That’s how simple this is. So my response was, that you can’t change someone unless they are willing to change.
You can’t change an individual or a group of individuals if collectively, or singularly they don’t want to change. So therapies work. And I made an entire podcast on this and they said this is not about strategy as much as it is. And individuals in a relationship struggle because they feel that they don’t have a way out. They don’t have a technique. It’s actually the real kinship itself is struggling not and it’s showing up in the in, in the individual’s involvement in it. But if you really think through and you strategize collectively, then there is always a way out of it. And sometimes your partner may take some time to catch up, and you have to allow that time to happen, you need to give that time for them to catch up. Just because, you know, in relationships, we have seen one individual, philosophically more aggressive, and philosophy more advanced, one individual financially, more advanced one and career-wise, more advanced, but you, they need to give time for the other partner to catch up. And because this is a union of collectiveness, and collectively want to get to the finish line, and you can’t score goals on each other, right, because you have to score the goals from the opposition. So you’re not on the opposing teams, you’re on the same team. So these are some of the frames through which you should approach your partner. And tell them how you see the game played, and explain to them the game and how it has to be approached. And then give them the time for them to participate. Don’t push, don’t rush, we cannot trust the outcomes. Nobody can. And just because you showed up at one therapist doesn’t mean you found the solution. And you can’t outsource this. And it’s just not the technique or just not the education or the credential. So therapist that’s going to help. It’s about your involvement in the process. And what else can you do beyond just showing up in a consultation? are important. Okay. That’s all those are the thoughts?
Hopefully, this is helpful. And if it is, then I keep saying, Keep repeating myself. Read it, write a review. Share this with a friend, or a family member. And you have a question for me. 888-818-0404 is the number where you can reach me. You can call me and leave me a message. And I will use your voice message as a voice drop on this podcast and answer your question. The cell phone now you enjoy your Tuesday. In fact, today tonight on my radio show, I’m going to take this topic and I will expand a little bit more on this. So if you are anywhere in the world now if you’re in the Silicon Valley area, then Bali 92.3 FM, is where you can listen to the show at 6:30 pm tonight Pacific time. And if you are anywhere in the world, it’s through the Bali 92.3 FM app that you can listen to the show at 6:30 pm Pacific, I’ll pick up this topic and expand on this. That’s all for now. Bye.